The Story of Us: January 2019

Riley's Birth Story!! I have spent the last 9 months reading story after story about different labor experiences. Well I finally have my own story to share so get comfortable because I'm not going to do a lot of editing. :)

And. Here. We. Go.

Oh my goodness. I am going to try my best to explain how incredibly wonderful, painful, and life-changing these last few days were, but I don't think I'll be able to do it justice. Obviously, we've known we were having a baby for the last night months. We made the decision to try to get pregnant a little over a year ago. This has been in the plans for a while, but until I actually saw baby Riley and held her for a while I didn’t really think it was ever going to happen. I was convinced I was going to pregnant for forever. Riley’s due date was Monday, January 21. In my past few appointments with the doctor she had checked my cervix and it wasn’t looking favorable. She didn’t think that I was going to go into labor naturally and basically had already planned that I was going to be induced. She'd also told me that if things didn't change it was probably going to be a 2 day induction. She said that things can change suddenly, but most likely I'd be going past my due date. I was very bummed about this news because I really wanted to be able to try to labor naturally for as long as possible and I knew that was really only going to happen if I could labor at home for a while and just not even have the options of drugs. I just liked the idea of Ben and I being able to start out the labor on our own and not being forced to be in the hospital the entire time. I wanted it to be a more personal thing and not just a medical procedure. So if I was induced my chances laboring the way I wanted were pretty much gone. I would have to be in the hospital from beginning to end of labor and so I would probably feel more pressure to get the pain meds and it would be a lot easier to give in. Also, induction isn't the same as natural labor, it does feel different. Your body is being forced to go into labor, it's being forced to be ready to labor instead of doing it on it's own time. So with those two things in mind I was doing everything to try and go into labor before our induction date. When my doctor started talking about being induced I could have tried to advocate for myself a little bit and push it off more, but another factor was that Ben right now has a very favorable schedule, but about two weeks after my due date his schedule will be horrible. So, we really wanted the baby to come when he would be more available because he only gets to ask for four days off. In his current schedule he’s not working weekends or Fridays so those wouldn’t count towards his four days off. So, even though I didn’t want to be induced I decided that if the baby didn’t come by January 24th that we would induce on the 24th. Ben having time with me and baby was a higher priority than me having the labor I wanted. Little did I know all this worrying about the 24th was pretty pointless.

Cut to the night of January 16th. I had gone to bed around 10 o'clock. I was fast asleep and Ben was still studying on the couch when I woke up with a start. The thought that came to my mind was, "Oh no!" I immediately knew that my water breaking, but wasn't sure the best way to minimize the damage. For a moment I considered trying to lay there and stay still and maybe the liquid would just stay inside me, I quickly determined that wasn't going to work so I sprinted to the bathroom as fast as a pregnant lady could. I shouted to Ben and he came in the bedroom. I told him that I either had some random medical emergency just happened to me or my water had broken. I had been told by some of my coworkers that your water breaks it isn’t always a big gush like you see on TV. They said that sometimes it’s just kind of a trickle and you won’t see very much water. Well that was not my experience! I could not stop leaking for the rest of the night! I discovered that other than the obvious reasons it’s not great to have your water break before you go into labor one of the major ones is that you don’t stop leaking until you give birth and it just adds an annoying thing you have to deal with.

So, my water broke! That’s great news right? Not really. My water broke, but my body still didn't start laboring. What that meant was that I was now a ticking time bomb. If I didn’t going to labor naturally soon I was definitely going to be induced. I really wanted to not going to the hospital right away, but my doctor had told me previously that if my water breaks I do need to go into the hospital. I knew that everyone would ask me when my water broke and I would have to tell them it was at 11 pm and if I’m showing up at like 8 AM they wouldn't be happy with me. So even though I felt the risks were very minimal and that it’s kind of just being extra cautious, we followed the doctor‘s orders and started packing up the car.

We showed up at the hospital at about 1 AM. Ben had said he would have been more tempted to try and convince me to stay at home for a few hours if you felt like I could’ve gotten any sleep, but I told him that that was not going to happen. I was definitely too wound up and I wouldn’t have able to sleep anyways. At this point it still didn't feel real that when we returned home it would be with a new baby in tow. I had been praying and hoping that the baby would come ASAP, but once it was happening it just kind of felt like a dream. So although I was thrilled we were about to meet our baby it was pretty much the worst timing possible. I had only been sleeping for maybe an hour and we were not going to sleep again for a very long time. Since it was so late we had to enter the hospital through the ER. (Good thing we went on that hospital tour so we already knew that'd be the only door open.) We checked it with the ER people and after they called L&D to tell them we were on our way a man appeared beside us with a wheelchair. I looked at I and thought, no, no, please don't make me ride in that thing. I looked and it and at him and I knew that asking to walk wasn't an option, so I got on. Remember, at this point I'm not really in labor. I don't feel any pain at all, so being wheeled around the hospital felt rather ridiculous. So he dropped us off at L&D and they took us to triage so they could get us checked in and confirm that the giant puddle of water that was constant leaking out of me was actually my water breaking.

It took a little while for the whole check in process and I remember thinking I understand now why everyone complains about the process once they get to the hospital when they are in labor. I was fine with all the random questions the lady needed to ask me, but that's because I wasn't experiencing a contraction every few minutes. They did eventually confirm that my water had broken and we got moved to our labor and delivery room. I feel like we got there maybe around like 2 AM and then our nurse told us that my doctor had said that they would give me until 6 AM to see if I progress naturally. If nothing happened in the next 4 hours I they would start a pitocin drip, which mean I'd be induced. Well that caused me a bit of a dilemma because I really just wanted to fall sleep, but I also really didn’t want to be induced so I wanted to do things to help me start labor. The nurse was super awesome and understood that I had wanted a more natural birth so she hooked me up to a wireless monitor and brought me an exercise ball. I bounced on the ball for a little while, but then the nurse told me they recommend you do that for 25 minutes at a time, so after that I laid in bed and tried to rest. I started experiencing a few mild contractions so it took a while for me to fall asleep. I ending up sleeping for about 20 minutes before the nurse came back in to check me. I was really hoping some of those contractions meant something had happened. It hadn’t. (this will be a common theme throughout the day) So, although I wasn’t thrilled about it they started me on pitocin. Let me just take a second here to say that I’m SO glad we chose to go with the hospital that we did. I was so happy with all of the nurses we had. Some I liked more than others, but out of the roughly 12 nurses we had there wasn’t a bad one in the bunch. I personally think it helped that Ben was wearing a shirt that said "I found this humerus" with a picture of the humerus bone. The nurses thought it was hilarious.

So, they started pitocin at 6. I tried to fall asleep and maybe slept for 90 minutes or so, but soon the contractions were too uncomfortable to sleep through. Ben brought out a game of phase 10 and tried to distract me with that. We made it through phase 4 before I couldn’t do it anymore. (Although I wasn’t delusional enough to see that Ben totally just let me win that last hand by discarding a card he could have used, but that I needed) During phase 10 I had discovered that sitting up was a lot better than laying down for my contractions so I moved to the birthing ball again. Every 30 minutes or so the nurse would come in and turn up the pitocin and I would watch with horror as I knew what that meant for me. Around 9:30 my doctor came in and checked me. By this time I’d handled enough pain to hope that something was changing down there. When she checked she said I was still just a 1 or 1.5 but that I was a little thinner, maybe 60% instead of 50% effaced. I knew from plenty of birth stories that the pain you feel doesn’t always mean progress, but it was still pretty disappointing. She said they would check me every 2-3 hrs to see progress and then offered me an epidural if I wanted it. Usually you’d have to be more dilated to get an epidural (or even be admitted) but since my water had broken I was free to get it when I wanted. I told her and the nurse that I’d still like to hold off a bit longer.

The next 2.5 hrs were no joke. I decided to sit in the rocking chair instead of the birthing ball and Ben sat on the ball next to me. We put on some episodes of Parks and Rec and a Jim Gaffigan comedy special to try and get me laughing and distract me. It was enjoyable between the contractions, but nothing was going to be successful distracting me during the height of the contraction. One thing that I liked was that from the rocking chair I could see the graph that showed my contractions. When I felt one that was really hard to get through I would at least feel justified when I could see the spike was much higher than the ones before it. Although, it did backfire once or twice when my electrode would fall off or wouldn’t sense the contraction. I felt totally cheated when I saw the graph didn’t show the last contraction! I needed the nurse to see what I was going through! Which she obviously did because she had stopped pushing up the pitocin at 12 units. My contractions were really close together and they seemed like good contractions so she didn’t think they should turn it up anymore (I agreed.) Between 9:30-12 the only thing that would get me through the peaks of the contractions was Ben. I would just have to bury my face in his neck and listen to him tell me reassuring things. In between contractions he was free to do what he wanted on his phone or whatever, but when I felt that next contraction coming on I grabbed him and he had to give me his full attention. I had read that staying relaxed during a contraction helps you manage the contraction better. When you tense up it causes you more pain. I was a STRUGGLE every time I felt a contraction starting to tell my body to relax, to not be afraid of what was coming and to just breath through it. For those of you who haven't given birth, that is definitely easier said than done. A contraction starts gradually, so you have a few seconds of warning before the really bad pain comes so it's not only physical torture it's psychological too! You feel it starting to come and there is nothing you can do to stop it! Ben really helped me with relaxing by reminding me intermittently to remain calm, to breathe, and that the wave of pain would be over soon. He probably felt like he just said the same thing over and over, but it was what I needed to hear. I just needed constant reassurance that I was going to get through this.

I had come to grips with the fact that I wasn't going to give birth naturally. I was okay with that, but I still wanted to go for as long as I could. I told myself I was going to make it to my next check before asking for pain meds. I reasoned that my next check should be at 12:30 at the latest so I told myself to make it to 12:30. 11:30 came around and I really wasn’t sure I was going to make it, but I was still going to try. I clung to Ben and kept repeating his words of affirmation to myself. By 11:50 Ben and I decided I would make it to 12. That was just like 3-4 contractions, I could do that. The second it was 12 I sent Ben to look for our nurse to request we get some nitrous oxide. I wanted to try that option before jumping straight to an epidural. The nurse didn’t think nitrous was going to help me and recommended I try some narcotics. She said the narcotics wouldn’t keep me from feeling the contraction, but would help take the edge off and help me relax a little. Part of me wanted to tell her that no, I had wanted to try the nitrous and just to please let me try it, but she had proved to be a good nurse so far so instead I followed her advice. In order to get the narcotics I had to get back in the bed. As she was giving me the narcotic, Staydol, she said she was also going to put my name on the epidural list. Obviously, she was aware of something I was not...the list for the anesthesiologist was getting unusually long because she was having to cover the general surgery group and the OB group. So, she knew once I was ready for the epidural I wasn't going to be getting it for a while. The minute I was back in the bed and had to experience a contraction laying down I felt beat. I reminded her that she said that she was putting my name on that list and that an epidural was definitely going to be needed asap. Before giving me the narcotic she checked me and I was at a 2 or 2.5. Awesome. I had given what felt like everything I could stand and it had only progressed a cm! Yeah. These drugs were going to be needed.

So, she gave me the narcotic and left. I was initially a little concerned as to how long it was going to take for the meds to kick in. I am used to taking a pill and having the affects kick in after an hour or so. I was unprepared for how quickly the IV gets the drugs to your system. Almost immediately after she left the room I started feeling dizzy and very disoriented. I asked Ben how long it should take to take affect and he said it should be pretty quick. I confirmed that it definitely seemed to be taking affect very quickly. I tried to get situated to help with the dizziness and then I really don't remember much from 12:15-1:00. The drugs really sedated me and Ben said that I would just kind of make a slight sound when I would have a contraction. From 1-2 it was another story. The narcotics were still making me very out of it, but I wasn't as sedated and man could I feel those contractions. I would be very loopy in between contractions, but when one started I would grab for Ben and he would hug me and assure me that I was doing great. During this hour the contractions were a little more spaced out, more like 3-5 minutes apart instead of 1-2, but I would often experience two in a row which was really hard to get through. In the moment I remember feeling guilty because I would tell Ben that I wanted it to stop and that I couldn't do it anymore, knowing he could do nothing to help me and that he was probably dying watching me suffer, but I just had to let him know. I had already asked for the epidural and just wanted each contraction to be my last! It got to the point where I had to vocalize to get through the contraction, I never got to the point where I felt like I needed to scream, but I was definitely moaning.

Finally around 2 pm my nurse came and told us to it was time to get ready for the anesthesiologist. It was definitely a miracle that I was able to get through the process of getting an epidural without too much difficulty. I was praying very hard that I'd be able to stay still and my prayer was answered. I had been laying down through my other contractions because the drugs made me feel like I had to have my eyes closed and couldn't sit up. Once I was sitting up, waiting for the epidural that new position seem to alleviate some of the pain I had been feeling. So, I got the epidural and within a few minutes I was already feeling much better. The nurse was so funny after I'd had the epidural. She said she had been outside our room just in a fit because it shouldn't have taken that long to get it to us. She said it wasn't the doctor's fault, but that they shouldn't ever use the OB anesthesiologist for general surgery as well. She also told us one person had let us cut in front of them on the list (I must have been pretty loud during my contractions haha). I was still only dilated to like a 3 so I was glad I had the epidural. At this rate, that pain would've been going for an eternity. From 2:30-6:30 things were much less exciting. Ben took the opportunity to get some food (I had kind of forgotten that we didn't both need to be starving) and I tried to rest for a bit. When I woke up Ben and I laid on the bed and watched Bones and Seinfeld. Occasionally, a nurse would come in and try to position me in a different way. Baby's heart rate would drop every few minutes when I had a contraction and they obviously didn't like that. They were also worried because I had a slight fever once when they checked me and my heart rate would get very elevated every once in a while. (They didn't really mention that to me until the end of this whole process or I could've mentioned that I noticed that would happen to me randomly throughout the pregnancy. I'd be just driving to work or sitting at church, not having exerted myself physically for a while and my heart rate would just kind of go crazy. It would go away after a bit so I decided it wasn't anything life threatening.)

Maybe around 6 a nurse came in and checked me and said I was maybe dilated to a 4 and that the baby's head was "significantly molded". She didn't really explain what she meant by that and I honestly thought it was a good thing. That meant the baby's head was low down there right? At this point I was getting a little anxious about how much more labor pain I was going to have to endure. My epidural had never completely numbed my legs. I could still move them when the nurse asked me to and I had been feeling a dull contraction on my left side for a while. I could now feel it on both sides. I was just a slight tightening, nothing like the pain I was feeling before, but if the epidural had worn off this much in just a few hours I was concerned I was going to feel like I was giving birth naturally by the time I was dilated enough to start pushing. A little before 6:30 my doctor came in and told us that with the situation as it was she recommended we get a c-section. Now that it had been almost 24 hrs since my water broke I was worried this was going to happen, but since no one had even hinted at it I was still pretty shocked. I was expecting to be warned or told that if this doesn't happen by this time then we'd do a c-section, but no she was saying we've given it all the time she would recommend and c-section time is now. Apparently, what the nurse had meant by the head molding is that the head has been trying to push down, but it hasn't been successful in opening the cervix. Instead of pushing the cervix open the head was just kind of becoming a cone shape. They also were concerned because the cervix wasn't just not progressing, but it had actually started to swell. Meaning that I wasn't just failing to progress I was probably going to regress. Ben expressed to the doctor that he was a little surprised they'd decide c-section was necessary this early, that he thought they would wait until it was a little closer to the 24 hr mark. My doctor assured us that if something was going to happen it would have happened by now. There were no signs that the cervix was going to successfully dilate and our vitals were worrying enough that they didn't want to just sit around and see if magic would happen. We eventually said okay do what you have to do and they started prepping me for a c-section.

Ben and I had talked briefly in weeks prior about how I would feel if I had to get a c-section. I didn't really know, mainly because I didn't honestly think it would happen to me. I had considered a lot of different things that could happen due to labor, but having to get a c-section had never been one I thought probable. When the doctor left the room and Ben asked me how I was feeling I was a little surprised that I started to get emotional. C-sections have a lot of implications for not only your recovery now, but for future pregnancies. I mean I wasn't planning to have 8 kids, but it is kind of odd to have to take that into consideration now. We both took a minute to mourn the loss of the labor experience we had wanted, but then got on board with the one we were going to have. One of my nurses who had been taking care of me most of the day came in to talk to us once we got the news. She assured us that she had been trying to advocate for us as much as she could. That she had been keeping an eye on us and that while it's hard to hear she believed that a c-section was definitely the right call at this point. It was really sweet of her to come in and tell us that, and she promised that if she didn't agree with what the doctor was advising she would let us know so that we could request other options. We made peace with the c-section decision and I assured Ben that I was okay with it, knowing that the last thing he wanted was for me to have to undergo a major surgery and deal with the ramifications of that. In the end, we just wanted our baby to get here.

They came in and prepped us for the c-section. I'd never had surgery before so I was a little anxious, but I was trying to get my heart rate under control because by this point I knew they were worried about that. My least favorite part of the whole thing was when they had to take me into the OR by myself. They promised Ben would follow as soon as everything was ready, but for some reason I had this fear that they'd forget to get him before they started. Ben had told me where they were likely to make the incision and that making it there was the least risky location. So, I made sure to ask them as they were getting settled if that would be where they were going to make it. Once they confirmed that for me I did feel a little better. Luckily, they did remember to get Ben and he was sitting by my head before the procedure started. I also had this fear that the anesthesia was going to wear off too early and I'd be able to feel some of it. Remember that my epidural had worn off after not that long! Also, when I was moving from my bed to the OR table I was able to move myself and everyone was super shocked. They kept asking me if I'd had an epidural and couldn't believe it when I said I did. I don't know about you, but that was slightly worrying to me. Like, do epidurals not work well on me?? I'm about to get cut open! Is no one else concerned?? I told Ben he just needed to talk to me and help me not focus on what was happening. Also, did you know that when you are having a c-section they strap your arms down like you are making a "T" shape?? I only learned this recently when Ben was on his OB/GYN rotation. They told me it's just a precaution because they have to keep the area they are operating in a sterile environment. I wanted to say can't I just promise that I have no desire to reach into my intestines and we call it good? But no, as I anticipated the miracle of my daughter being brought into the world I had my arms strapped to the table. Also, for unknown (to me) reasons they make you drink this nasty liquid before you get a c-section. Apparently, the liquid isn't vital to the c-section because within minutes of being on the table I told them I felt nauseous and threw up everything that I just drank. Ben made the observation that I had now thrown up more while laboring than I did my entire pregnancy. (I had been lucky that morning sickness hadn't hit me very hard.)

The CRNA that had drugged me up was very nice and would let me know what I should be feeling and would assure me that certain things were normal. After they had been working on me for a little while I felt this relief of pressure and I was told that she was out! Ben peaked over the curtain and assured me she was in fact a girl, they showed her to us briefly, and then they took her over to check out and clean up. There was a NICU nurse in the OR because it looked like there may have been meconium in my amniotic fluid, but they quickly checked her, gave her the okay, and left. Ben was allowed to go over and watch and they finished checking her and then they brought her over to me. They told us she weighed 7 lbs 11 oz and was 21 inches long. (At our recent doctors appointment she had shrunk a little bit due to her head no longer looking like an ice cream cone.) They let me give her a kiss on the cheek, but all in all I couldn't bond with her much because my arms were still tied down. The worst part of the c-section was waiting for them to be done sewing me up so that I could actually hold our daughter and feel like this was real! While we were waiting Ben held her out so I could see her and we did get to enjoy some adorable faces she made. She was born at 7:39 pm and we didn't get out of the OR until around 8:30. It felt like a lifetime! Apparently it's a lot quicker to slash someone open than it is to stitch them up, go figure.

From 8:30 to 12 am I'm not really sure what happened other than that I still wasn't allowed to sleep. They let you stay in the delivery room for 2 hours after delivery, but then they move you to your recovery room. Once you are in the recovery room they have to update your recovery nurse and she goes over with you what the next hours look like. Basically that they are going to wake you up for the next 2 hrs for the rest of your life. When they told me that I'd need to feed Riley every 3 hrs and even if she was sleeping that we'd need to wake her up to feed her it definitely felt a little daunting. At this point I hadn't eaten since 12 am Thursday morning when I grabbed a bowl of cereal before leaving for the hospital. (Ben had tried to sneak me some food, but since I'd felt nauseous and thrown up a few times I didn't even want it while I was laboring.) I hadn't sleep more than 3-4 hrs since my water broke at 11 pm on Wednesday. I was really just living for 7 am when they said I could order breakfast! Somehow we survived the night and the next day I was feeling much better. All my tubes had slowly been removed and I could finally move around without taking a pole with me. They encouraged me to walk as much as I could because that would help the healing process. So that day was spent sleeping, eating, and going on a walk around the floor. I had asked a nurse when we'd be able to be discharged and she said that we might be able to leave Saturday night since the c-section happened Thursday evening and you only have to stay 48 hrs (but you are allowed more time). So Saturday evening when my doctor came by my only question for her was if I could leave that evening. She said I was welcome to stay until Monday, but if I wanted I could leave that evening. I assured her that I did and they started processing our discharge. Throughout the day everyone seemed surprised that we were already leaving. We were told by our nurse that if 5:30 came and we changed our minds that we didn't have to go. I appreciated that, but the thought of spending another night in this hospital bed, being checked on constantly was too much. I just wanted to be home where we could start our own routine and find out what life with Riley was going to be like.

After having Riley at home for these past few days we are in baby heaven! I've heard some people describe seeing their new baby as love at first sight. I'm not sure I could say I experienced that. I didn't immediately get to snuggle with her and I was still processing the implications of the last few hours so it took a little while to actually process what had just happened. Once we were finally left alone it actually started to sink in that this perfect, little girl was ours and I feel deeply in love. I had no idea what being a mom would feel like, but all I want to do is stare at her all day. When Ben's holding her I'm looking at pictures of her. :) I feel like my love for her just grows with every minute, every face or sound she makes is the cutest thing I've ever seen...until her next face or sound. We loved our life as just a couple, but we are LOVING our life as a couple with a newborn. She just melts our hearts. Although waking up every few hours to feed her isn't great for my sleep it almost feels like a blessing that I have an excuse to cuddle her multiple times at night. We can't get enough of our sweet Riley. Life feels the same, but so much better at the same time. I can't let myself think about the fact that at some point Ben will have to go back to school. It breaks my heart that he won't get to spend all day with his cute daughter and that he'll miss some of her sweet moments. For the moment we are just going to enjoy the time we have together and continue to marvel at how we could have created such an adorable little one.

And now...all the photos!!!! (you've probably already seen most of these, but I had to get them on the blog!)

The only evidence of the actual laboring experience...I told you those drugs did things to me.