So Close

Emilye Jack. Has a nice ring to it don't you think? (I didn't ask you Midge) Me too.

I've been told...a few times...that I'm not the most articulate when it comes to communicating my feelings. Therefore, I decided to write this blog post in an effort to help yall understand how I made the journey from boys are scary to wearing an engagement ring on my finger.

Ben had his work cut out for him; as demonstrated by this unedited journal entry from the first time he asked me out. I wasn't exactly keen on dating at the time.

October 13, 2014

Then just to end the night on a horrendous note Missy gets a call from Rob...I'm telling her that she has to answer and she can't just ignore it...well I should've just kept my dang mouth shut!!!! Cause guess what...he is asking her to go on a double date...with me and some other dude!! AHHHH!! WHY DO I HATE DATING SO MUCH!!??

See dating was NOT in the plans for me. I was going to move to Washington with Midge the following summer and then start PT school once I had residency. I could maybe meet someone out in Washington...but a guy wasn't really my first priority. I had debts to accrue!

Knowing that I went into the date with that attitude you probably figured it wasn't exactly love at first sight. I was determined not to like him, but I did really enjoy being with him and decided he would be a really cool guy to hang out with again. (Yes, yes I know those evil words...hang out...I'm sorry! That's all I'd ever known!) I didn't actually write in my journal about our first date (lame I know), but I remember laughing a lot and having a pretty good time. Ask me about the spider-goat joke he made sometime...it's hilarious. In the days that passed I saw Ben at church, ward prayer, and pretty much any church activity. The more I saw/interacted with him the more he made me laugh and I started to really enjoy his company until this happened:

November 23, 2014

So....I like this guy. His name is Ben Jack.

Scary right? The night I told Missy (who had been pulling for him the whole time) she screamed for joy. So now that I liked Ben I immediately decided he didn't actually like me and that the one date was a favor for Rob so he could ask Missy out again. Yep...that's how my mind works. Luckily, soon after I decided that I didn't have hope he called and asked me on a second date. While that didn't calm all my fears it did help to know he could possibly actually be interested.

So the next few months were spent analyzing and over analyzing every interaction I had with Ben to decide if he really was interested in me. Every Thursday (with an occasional Tuesday thrown in there) was spent down at the parents house telling stories of every single event or interaction I had with good old Benjamin during the week. By the time we were dating every aide that frequented our home knew all the details of our relationship. Some requested I bring him by during their shift so they could meet him. By February (okay if I'm being honest by December) I was pretty ready for things to progress:

February 3, 2015

Monday night Benjamin texted me and said I should ditch work to go to the devo with him. Can we just be a couple already?? Like honestly. 

Ben says that "by this point the only reason I hadn't initiated a dtr was cause I had no idea how a fella was supposed to bring that up un-awkwardly," which is understandable.  I had told myself like 10 times at this point that I was going to say something to start a dtr, but the words never quite made it out of my mouth. 

Don't be fooled by my happy demeanor...I was DYING to dtr with Ben this night, but nothing happened. 
I was just slightly grumpy about it. 

By this time everyone around us had decided that we needed to get together and made sure to do their best to encourage me not to lose hope. Missy was constantly telling me that Ben and I just needed to talk. James and Ty were dropping hints to Ben that I was a really cool girl... basically everyone was doing their best to make sure Ben and Emilye became a thing. And guess what??? It totally worked! #thanksguys

February 7, 2015

So...I have a boyfriend now. Okay well I'm not actually sure if he's my boyfriend. We didn't really clarify what we call each other. I just know that we are officially dating and it's exclusive. Sooo yeah. You see?? All my BILLION journal entries about Ben were not in vain! Something actually happened! So want to hear the story?? Okay fine I'll tell you. So Friday we were going on a date. And it was like a dinner date...which...we never do. He asked me where I wanted to go and I decided we were going to get tacos at MexSal cause that place is bomb. So it was a really fun time at the restaurant. We talked about the mission, soccer, and a million other random things. I got him to leave the restaurant by promising him that we could watch soccer at my place. When we got there we got distracted and he suggested that we watch Signs. I had told him earlier that that is the one "scary" movie I will watch. I said I'd be down for that so I pulled up the movie. Well okay...so I don't actually have the movie so I just went on Amazon and rented it for $4. Best $4 I've ever spent. Like really though. You know the best part of knowing the movie that you're watching on a date is that you can plan your reactions to certain parts. So it got to the part in the movie when the alien is trapped in the pantry. I told him this part really freaks me out...so he grabbed my hand and said I'll protect you. We held hands the rest of the movie. Afterwords we kept holding hands and I kind of laid my head on his shoulder...which was honestly super uncomfortable for a while (my head was at like a right angle) but I rearranged after a few minutes and it was better. So we were sitting there talking about Missy and Reid and whether or not they were dating. And then Ben asks...so are WE dating? And if we're not could we be? I just kind of laughed and said I wouldn't be opposed to that. (Missy chastised me so much for that one...haha what?? We've been over this! I don't express myself well! Let's get over it people!) He said I wouldn't be opposed to it either. Then we sat there for a second and he asked...should we shake on it? Oh ben. Oh Benny...he really is one of my favorite people ever. So we shook on it. So yeah that's Ben. We're dating. Cause you know. We're grown ups.

Our first pic as a couple. Photo cred: Missy.
My eyes are glowing, the lighting is horrid, and my arm is blurry...but I LOVE this picture

The next 6 months were full of fun, freak outs, and growth...but mostly fun. Most know I'm not super great with new experiences...

'Just think of it as a new experience.'
'I hate new experiences.' 
'Just think of it as ice cream...'

So even though I had been wanting Ben and I to be a fish for a while I still had moments where I was anxious. I just really didn't want to mess things up. Luckily I had/have an awesome support system by my side that I could turn to whenever something made me nervous or I didn't know how to handle a situation. I think the biggest turning point in our relationship was when I started to talk to him about my "freak outs" for lack of a better term. It felt great to know I could talk to him about anything I was worried about and we could get past it.

Found a rose on my windshield. Best. Day. Ever #BushFlowersAreDaBest

During those 6 months I started falling harder and harder for Ben and I started to think about the future. I mean I was moving in July...how could I not think about the future? And posts like this started to appear in my journal:

March 27, 2015

Leaving Ben will be one of the hardest things about this move. I care about him, and if I'm being honest when I think of my future I think about what it would be like to be married to him...it would be an amazing life. Yeah it would be hard...he is going to med school for crying out loud...but it would be wonderful.

Getting Midge's approval was a very important step. He passed with flying colors.
They don't ever try to compete for my love.  

May 5, 2015

Ben needed to know if I was in or out. Well...what was the answer?? I kept asking myself am I ready to make this sort of a commitment?? Can I tell Ben I see us getting married in the future? I didn’t feel like God was going to tell me yes or no...I felt like God was telling me you do what you want...you could be happy with Ben so you decide if that is what you want. Well, I think we already know the answer to that.

But I found it was a lot easier to daydream and write about marriage in my journal than to actually say I was ready...out loud. I have always been scared of marriage in general and even though by this point I loved Ben a lot I was still scared to make any promises. I've always struggled with commitment peeps.

June 15, 2015

Then the conversation turned to what I was thinking about marriage. By this time Ben had already said he knows he wants to marry me. It was really hard for me to articulate what I’m feeling. I tried to help him believe me when I say I want to marry him without really promising anything. That turned out to be an impossible task. There is something (fear) holding me back from saying yes I’m 100% going to marry you and that makes him nervous what with my impending move to Washington.  

June 30, 2015

I just know that at this point I can't imagine a better guy for me than Ben. I want to marry him. If I did it wouldn't be until next June. June 3rd. That would give me time to feel prepared for marriage. With that said I’m really happy with the place that Ben and I are at… we are so comfortable with each other but it never gets boring. We are comfortable enough to do new things and be ourselves. I love it.

Visiting the Payson temple. This was basically a trial run.
I knew I wanted to get married in this temple so I wanted to try it out with Benny Boy. 
Once again he passed with flying colors.   

Eventually I turned to the Lord for help in getting over my "issues" as Mel so kindly classifies them. I went to the temple, read talks, asked for a father's blessing, prayed some more, and slowly but surely (really without me even realizing it) the idea of marriage started sounding more and more hopeful. I am still very aware of the fact that marriage isn't easy (the book I'm currently reading Living a Covenant Marriage makes that abundantly clear), but Ben is who I want by my side during all the trials, heartache, happiness, and joy.

If I'm being honest it was this confirmation from Facebook that REALLY solidified my choice.
In case you were wondering Ben got my name too...on the 5th try. 

July 14th

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I miss him so much. I just want to marry him right now. Like if he showed up right now and was like hey lets go to the temple I’d totally be down… If that was how it worked that is. 

What started as a paralyzing fear of marriage and commitment eventually shrunk into a slight apprehension of those two things. Then one day as I was driving around Beaverton I thought...you know in my head I'm already engaged to Ben. I know I want to marry him. I'm not looking for anything else. I've made my choice and I'm so happy with it...so why don't we just make it official. Initially I had wanted to wait until 2016 to get engaged because I knew people would think it was weird if we were engaged for almost a year, but in that same drive I decided something very important...I don't care what other people think. Like I value advice and council from my loved ones, but I don't really mind if my random Facebook friends don't agree with the way we do things. As long as Ben's okay with my craziness then everything's chill. The next day Midge and I went ring shopping. :) I had decided I wanted an opal ring instead of diamond and the look I wanted wasn't really found in a fancy ring store. So I looked up antique jewelry places in Beaverton and off we went. On our way to the third store we saw a pawn shop and decided to stop there and see if we could find anything. Jackpot!! We walked in and I tried on three rings. When I put that third ring on my finger I knew that was it. I didn't want to look anymore. This ring was perfect. Midge and I couldn't stop talking about how 'me' this ring was. So that night I skyped Ben like always. We had talked about the possibility of me buying my own ring out here in Oregon before, but it had kind of been a joke at the time. I asked him what he'd think if I really did buy myself a ring tomorrow. I believe his response was something about as long as he gets to marry me he doesn't really mind and maybe we could go ring shopping together a few years down the road. So basically he gave me the okay with one caveat. I was only allowed to get that ring if it would make me happy and was really what I wanted to do. It was. It was most certainly exactly what I wanted to do. So the next day Midge and I went back to the pawn shop (btw can I just add that I love pawn shops. I felt so uncomfortable in the fancy ring shop, but the pawn...I was like my homies!!!) and I bought the ring and officially declared we were engaged.

Sorry...I couldn't resist

I said YES!!

See...He is so chill! I love him :)

 The running joke is that I proposed to myself. :) I promise I'm not browbeating Ben into this...he wants to get married too! I'll prove it...

He proposed to himself too! We are so good together. 

So yeah...I guess you could say we aren't doing this in the typical way...but I'm am totally fine with that! I don't want a huge ridiculous proposal story...all I want is Ben. And that ring on my finger says I have him. 

Ben and I will be getting married June 3rd, 2016. It's a long engagement by our culture's standards, but I'm not worried. Ben and I can handle it. 

So there you have it folks. I am SO excited to marry Ben. He is the most selfless, caring, and understanding guy I've ever met. Also he's super humble because whenever I tell him this he tries to refute it. We see the world in a very similar way most of the time, but even when our views differ slightly he is super easy to talk to. He is also SUPER smart and very wise; I really value his opinion. Basically, other than the fact that he likes Nacho Libre, he is the perfect man. (You may think that Nacho Libre thing is a joke, but it was a legit stumbling block. Quoting Nacho was almost a deal breaker.) I am very grateful that God placed him in my life. I love him SO much! So here's hoping the next 305 days go by quickly! 

Also it doesn't hurt that he's SUPER handsome :) #WhoIsTheGrumpiest

Blessings

PS I couldn't go this whole post without giving Missy a shout-out. I've been trying to find a place for it this whole time. I'm also sooooooo grateful that God put Missy in my life so that once I had Ben I didn't lose him. Missy talked me off so many ledges. Missy helped me realize that the things I was thinking or feeling weren't crazy. She just pretty much taught me how to be in a relationship and I'm forever grateful for that. I always knew that whatever milestone we hit Missy would be WAY excited for us. She was more excited about my love life than hers at times. :) Actually most of the time...

Wedda wedda best.